Bloodletting

I wanted to end this.

I become overwhelmed with the desire to destroy everything that I have ever created.

I remember being a teenager in high school. I would fight with my mother all of the time, over the stupidest things. Why I didn't make my bed or sweep the floors. During one particular argument I remember taking every single poster and picture off of my walls. There was nothing but blank, white, walls. I sat on my bed feeling triumphant. My arms were crossed and I had a smirk on my face just waiting for her to walk in.

She did finally. She walked in and looked around, she looked at me, and then back at the walls. "Needed a change?" she asked, nonchalantly. Not exactly the response I was looking for. But then, I have no idea what response I -was- looking for. I am sure I just shrugged my shoulders in that infuriating way that teenagers do.

I think it boils down to a lack of control. If I feel out of control I will find something that I can control. My environment, my hair, my pictures, etc.

So instead of screaming and throwing things, I rearrange my DVD collection or get a haircut.

But it's all the same in the end. It's all an expression of emotion. I'm not great at it, but I'm learning.