Clean Attacks
I went to the doctor yesterday and besides my blood pressure being elevated, I got a good bill of health. I hadn't had an attack in a few weeks. The day after the doctor, I have one. Almost two.
I saw the warning signs on my drive to work. I came upon a road construction site where a man stands with a stop sign until a lead car can come and get you to traverse this maze of neon orange cones. I waited for five minutes before I realized that I was making rude hand gestures at the man holding the stop sign. I watched the clock mocking me, each minute bringing me closer to being late. I made an angry and violent u-turn and found another, albeit -longer-, way to work.
I told myself to be positive. I wasn't late. I found humor in small things and made polite conversations with almost everyone I talked to. I listened to my music when behaviors were rubbing me the wrong way. It was after my second break it hit me. I couldn't go to the bathroom, either. I was in kind of a stuck spot which added to the panic. I was angry and actually, sarcastically berated two of my fellow employees. Granted, they were doing just stupid, ridiculous things, however, it wasn't my place to call them out. Their actions have no affect on me. I just couldn't control it like I normally have been able to.
Instead of going to the bathroom, I calmly asked someone to cover my spot and walked to my supervisor. I asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes, about anything. I didn't want to talk about my anxiety, I wanted a distraction. I didn't want to wallow in my own weakness. I gave myself three minutes to get it under control.
I won the moment but the damage was done. I had a headache and my heart wouldn't slow down for another hour and a half. As we were all waiting to clock out I almost physically pushed this immature little boy that I work with. He thinks its funny EVERY SINGLE DAY to ACT like he is cutting in line to clock out. I very loudly told him that it was getting old and no one was laughing. Of course, everyone started laughing at me because they have never seen me act or say things in such a way. I clenched my jaw, clocked out, and walked to my car.
I saw the warning signs on my drive to work. I came upon a road construction site where a man stands with a stop sign until a lead car can come and get you to traverse this maze of neon orange cones. I waited for five minutes before I realized that I was making rude hand gestures at the man holding the stop sign. I watched the clock mocking me, each minute bringing me closer to being late. I made an angry and violent u-turn and found another, albeit -longer-, way to work.
I told myself to be positive. I wasn't late. I found humor in small things and made polite conversations with almost everyone I talked to. I listened to my music when behaviors were rubbing me the wrong way. It was after my second break it hit me. I couldn't go to the bathroom, either. I was in kind of a stuck spot which added to the panic. I was angry and actually, sarcastically berated two of my fellow employees. Granted, they were doing just stupid, ridiculous things, however, it wasn't my place to call them out. Their actions have no affect on me. I just couldn't control it like I normally have been able to.
Instead of going to the bathroom, I calmly asked someone to cover my spot and walked to my supervisor. I asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes, about anything. I didn't want to talk about my anxiety, I wanted a distraction. I didn't want to wallow in my own weakness. I gave myself three minutes to get it under control.
I won the moment but the damage was done. I had a headache and my heart wouldn't slow down for another hour and a half. As we were all waiting to clock out I almost physically pushed this immature little boy that I work with. He thinks its funny EVERY SINGLE DAY to ACT like he is cutting in line to clock out. I very loudly told him that it was getting old and no one was laughing. Of course, everyone started laughing at me because they have never seen me act or say things in such a way. I clenched my jaw, clocked out, and walked to my car.