Stained Red

Dear G

I had a nosebleed at work last night. I was just sitting at the bar, looking at my phone when I heard a click in my sinuses. It took forever to get it to stop. I felt very dizzy afterwards. Could have been lack of food, but for dramatic reasons, let's go with loss of blood.

I ran this morning. I almost made it the full mile without stopping. I think that it was too hot for Bailey. If she is going to come with me then I'm going to have to get up earlier before it gets so hot.

I feel like I am in one of those commercials where the person is standing still and people come in and out of the frame changing their clothes or cutting their hair, even changing their room. The ironic thing is, I'm willingly in that room. I'm asking for help and advice because I can't decipher what is inside of me. Everyone is advising me to do something different. I'm hesitant to do what -I- feel because I've been so wrong.

This is why I am going to talk to someone who has actually studied the human mind and emotions. I just don't think that I have a healthy... core. I feel that I am ruled by fear and I need to feel safe, all of the time. I've sacrificed three great friends because of this.... twice. You think I would have learned my lesson the first time but my selfishness won again. I'm like an alcoholic that fell off the wagon. Except for just hurting myself, I hurt everyone. You'd be ashamed.

I'm also towing the line of justifications, excuses, and facts. I feel as if I am stating facts, yet to others its like I am justifying what I've done. In my head I am literally scooping out all of my insides and pointing to what is wrong. Kicking the bad around like an aluminum can. I live behind walls and I simply do not want to do that any longer. I know for a fact that there are no excuses for what I did. I'm not justifying what I did by saying that I'm human either. I'm looking at this mess and saying, "Well shit, this is broken, this is broken, and that really sucks. I want to fix it because I want to be a person that can be trusted. I want to be a person that other people like to be around. I want to be a person that can be counted on."

Remember when we were sitting on your bed and talking about fears? We were laughing because you were so afraid of snakes. You weren't afraid to tell anyone either. You owned it! I told you that I was afraid of "going crazy". You snickered and said that I didn't have to worry about that because I already was. But then, you stopped laughing and said that I was really afraid of having anyone mad at me. That I had been that way even as a child, my whole life. I would do anything, ANYTHING to not have someone mad at me. I didn't realize then how true that is or how it would affect almost every aspect of my life.

I enrolled in school again, today. My transcripts are on their way and my application has been submitted. They have to look at my transcripts before they can tell me where I can start. Best case scenario is that I will just need to take one semester here in Florida and get certified in everything that way.

I wish that I could say everyone else is doing well, but I can't. I think we've hit a rough patch. This family is well versed in coming out the other side, though. You know that more than anyone. We are more alike then I ever thought.