Poop Smear of A Day

I wrote a pretty heartfelt and emotional story last night and actually posted it here. I woke up this morning and thought it was a little too personal though. It was a conversation between me and my grandmother. What I thought she would have said to everything that's going on. I even cried. I felt better after I cried. It didn't change anything though. Maybe we have to change instead of the situations we find ourselves in.

• The tumor is pressing against the spine - Constant pain - Chronic fatigue
• Cysts - Ultrasounds
• Bloody urine - staph infection - complications - Complete disregard
• Helpless
• Critical observations of everything and everyone
• Tension - Snapping - Guilt
• Self doubt - Confusion - Anger
• Nightmares every single night
• Bad decisions - Constant disappointment
• Endless Accounts - Endless routines
• Watching someone struggle to keep their head above the water
• Being the one that pushed them in
• Helpless - Guilt
• Visualizing thrown punches and bloody knuckles

I run faster and farther. Turn the music up, won't go any louder. My lungs scream and I dig deeper. My muscles quiver and I ignore them. My ankle rolls and I scream and curse. I get back up and keep running. I welcome the pain. It's such a great distraction. I reach the second bench and fall to the ground. That's when the conversation happened behind my closed eyelids. I talked to her and she talked back. I'd question my sanity but to who? Just come home to tears and silence, tension. Not even ice cold water can wash it away.

My shoulder is knotting. It's been a while. Is it okay to give into self pity, feel sorry for yourself every once in a while? I sometimes imagine how different things would be for the people around me if I wasn't...here. The regret he may or may not be feeling would be non-existent, along with the broken hearts and the sibling jealousy. I think she might have been okay if she had been an only child. Would it have been better not to have loved at all?

But we can only wallow for so long right? You shouldn't stand on a pier during a hurricane, no matter how much you love the ocean. Either walk away or jump in.