Am I A Hopeless Case?
despair |diˈspe(ə)r|
noun
the complete loss or absence of hope : driven to despair, he throws himself under a train | in despair, I hit the bottle.
verb [ intrans. ]
lose or be without hope : we should not despair | he was beginning to despair of ever knowing | [as adj. ] ( despairing) he gave a despairing little shrug.
The only comfortable position is the fetal position. I rock back and forth, breathing through the temper tantrum that my uterus seems to be throwing in my abdomen. My body is turning on me and I'm an unwilling victim.
I'm angry at the world and those in it. Only sometimes. Usually, I am logical and understand that I am the only one going through this (that I know, in my world) and no one else needs to be contaminated with the pain of dealing with me. I know I am hard to deal with. I know there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do. That's a lie.
The food in my fridge when I got home? The ride home from the hospital and taking my car? The texts asking how I am doing? Little pictures sent to me of happy moments? Those are tiny little miracles that make it possible to keep fighting this.
I know, I'm being dramatic. But if any place is the place for that, well, this is the place.
I literally feel crazy a lot of the time. I think the doctors look at me like I'm faking it. I think my friends are sympathetic but don't know what to do. My family is awesome though, hell, they've dealt with this and me most of my life.
I've humiliated myself trying to get people to understand. I regret that. I regret making myself feel so incredibly tiny, just for a drop of understanding. I regret begging and how not only that makes me feel worthless, but how it makes me look to other people. Pretty sure my dignity is in the bathroom floor where I was sitting, crying, asking you to be nice. I left it there.
If only I could go into a rehab facility for this. Come out a better person.
The emotions are getting completely out of control. I feel like Bruce Banner.
Once I can stand up. Once I can fathom uncurling my body and distracting myself, I will get up and take Bailey for a walk. I will go buy yet more boxes. (I've went through two in the past five days). I will make dinner and I will read a book. I will fill my thoughts with everything except you. I will pray before I go to bed, because yes, I believe in the power of prayer. I will pray that tomorrow will be better and I will do everything that I can to make it so.