Never a right way

You can't say something and have it be true. You can't just utter the words "I'm over it, I don't care, goodbye, whatever, I'm letting go..." and have them stick. They will for a moment. I've learned I have to keep saying them over and over. I've also learned when you say goodbye you can mean it, but it doesn't take away all of the feelings. It's so surreal sometimes.
My sister died. The amount of things she's going to miss is mind boggling. I try to think about the things that she did get to experience though. Having kids, feeling love, being in love...
I guess we all digest things differently. There is no right or wrong answer.
It's like the edges of a dream that's slightly out of focus.
There's a lot of mornings I wish I could just turn over and say "Not today." I suppose that's not possible and it would only be postponing the inevitable shit one must muck through when they lose someone. I honestly don't think it's something to 'get through' or 'get over'. I think it's something that I'm going to have to adapt to. Like I've had this jagged piece ripped out of me and I've got to temper the edges and put bandaids on the wounds and learn how to live this life with this new part of me gone.
I can hate it, feel guilty and responsible for it, feel like I deserve it, resent it, hate the people who treat me differently, hate the people who left me, hate the people who blame me, blame the people who 'can't'... or I can accept the fact that it's there and it's going to take bumps, bruises, laughter, tears to heal. But it's mine and no one else's and I didn't put it there and no one else did either.
Mostly... it just is. Isn't everything after all?