A person
I'm going to get this out so that it doesn't live inside of me, so that I'm not carrying it around with me. I'm going to set it down and leave it right here. I hope that it dies.
I've prayed more in the past year than I have in my entire life. I literally got down on my knees, bowed my head, sat cross-legged, went to church, stared at waves, screamed at the sky... all sorts of praying in all kinds of ways. I prayed over and over and over again that the person that I loved would love me enough to want to be with me. Would remember the promise of forever. I prayed that my phone would beep. I would pray that every weekend she had free, she would choose me. I prayed that she would want to choose me.
I prayed a lot for forgiveness. For my past. For making her give up.
Every weekend that went by hurt more and it was supposed to start hurting less after awhile. Right?
I asked God for understanding. How could someone I love so much not love me back? Not love me enough to keep trying?
I cried. A lot. I had a lot of meltdowns.
Playing the victim, the poor me, got very old very fast. I got sick of myself.
I never got angry at her, ever. In my prayers I always asked for her to know happiness. Even if it wasn't with me. I told myself that if she was happy, that was enough.
So I started angling my prayers differently. I needed to heal. To focus on me.
I read a lot and started praying even more.
I think acceptance was huge. I tried to break it down into a manageable way that my mind could understand. She de-friended me. Stopped talking to me. Started taking trips and making new friends. Her life was moving on and here I was, just... not. She could go the rest of her life and never talk to me again. She didn't need nor want anything to do with me. Kind of what happens when you fall out of love with someone, you stop caring how they spend their time or who with.
That I can understand.
I wanted it to be different though. Everything that I read, society, friends, they all say that you can't be friends with your ex. She even told me that. To just move on. Look at her, she did.
But I wanted to take all of the negativity, the heartbreak, the broken promises and turn them into something else. I know I can't change the past but maybe I could change the process. It could be a positive thing. It should be a positive thing!!
I wanted to stand up and say, I know you don't give two shits about me. I know you've made new friends and you much prefer their company to mine. But I think you're an awesome person and I'm a pretty awesome person too and we had this amazing thing and there is no reason we can't change the mess that it became into something great.
I tried. I'm not perfect at it and my armor isn't all that thick. Even my lighthearted antics are misread. The battlefield of eggshells that I must traverse to not offend is riddled with holes that I fall into and arrows that pierce. I'm blindfolded and yelled at from every corner. You are crazy. You're making yourself look pathetic. You are pathetic. Just leave her alone. Can't you see that is obviously what she wants? She will never choose you, even as a friend.
"I know," I whisper. I don't expect her too. And that's why this isn't crazy. That's why it could work... or am I just making things worse for her?
I think for right now, I'm at a loss. I'm very tired spiritually and riddled with self doubt about everything. I mean everything. So I will stop and I will sit on the edge of this playing field. My legs will swing and I'll take off my dented helmet. I'll lay back in the grass and stare up at the darkened sky. Then I'll pray.
I've prayed more in the past year than I have in my entire life. I literally got down on my knees, bowed my head, sat cross-legged, went to church, stared at waves, screamed at the sky... all sorts of praying in all kinds of ways. I prayed over and over and over again that the person that I loved would love me enough to want to be with me. Would remember the promise of forever. I prayed that my phone would beep. I would pray that every weekend she had free, she would choose me. I prayed that she would want to choose me.
I prayed a lot for forgiveness. For my past. For making her give up.
Every weekend that went by hurt more and it was supposed to start hurting less after awhile. Right?
I asked God for understanding. How could someone I love so much not love me back? Not love me enough to keep trying?
I cried. A lot. I had a lot of meltdowns.
Playing the victim, the poor me, got very old very fast. I got sick of myself.
I never got angry at her, ever. In my prayers I always asked for her to know happiness. Even if it wasn't with me. I told myself that if she was happy, that was enough.
So I started angling my prayers differently. I needed to heal. To focus on me.
I read a lot and started praying even more.
I think acceptance was huge. I tried to break it down into a manageable way that my mind could understand. She de-friended me. Stopped talking to me. Started taking trips and making new friends. Her life was moving on and here I was, just... not. She could go the rest of her life and never talk to me again. She didn't need nor want anything to do with me. Kind of what happens when you fall out of love with someone, you stop caring how they spend their time or who with.
That I can understand.
I wanted it to be different though. Everything that I read, society, friends, they all say that you can't be friends with your ex. She even told me that. To just move on. Look at her, she did.
But I wanted to take all of the negativity, the heartbreak, the broken promises and turn them into something else. I know I can't change the past but maybe I could change the process. It could be a positive thing. It should be a positive thing!!
I wanted to stand up and say, I know you don't give two shits about me. I know you've made new friends and you much prefer their company to mine. But I think you're an awesome person and I'm a pretty awesome person too and we had this amazing thing and there is no reason we can't change the mess that it became into something great.
I tried. I'm not perfect at it and my armor isn't all that thick. Even my lighthearted antics are misread. The battlefield of eggshells that I must traverse to not offend is riddled with holes that I fall into and arrows that pierce. I'm blindfolded and yelled at from every corner. You are crazy. You're making yourself look pathetic. You are pathetic. Just leave her alone. Can't you see that is obviously what she wants? She will never choose you, even as a friend.
"I know," I whisper. I don't expect her too. And that's why this isn't crazy. That's why it could work... or am I just making things worse for her?
I think for right now, I'm at a loss. I'm very tired spiritually and riddled with self doubt about everything. I mean everything. So I will stop and I will sit on the edge of this playing field. My legs will swing and I'll take off my dented helmet. I'll lay back in the grass and stare up at the darkened sky. Then I'll pray.