Conversation with God
I was making my way to the end of the pier and saw God waiting there for me. Her bare toes were grazing the surface of the frigid waters and her long brown hair was blowing gently in the cool breeze. I ran up next to her and stood for a moment, catching my breath. I sat down heavily,
"I just ran" I breathed.
"That's evident," she said without looking up from the water.
"It's the first time I've ran since my foot surgery."
"I know."
"It's really annoying when you do that." I said, looking at the water myself
"Do What?"
"Act all knowing." I replied.
"I'm not acting" she said and looked at me with a straight face. I met her gaze and we both smiled before breaking out into loud laughter.
"I met with my Chemistry teacher. I sat down and started talking about my test grade and what I could do to improve." I paused and swallowed loudly. "Then I started just crying. I kept biting the inside of my cheek to stop the tears, but it was kind of useless. I was so horrified and embarrassed."
She looked back at the water, "I bet she was embarrassed too. She doesn't even know you."
I sighed loudly, "Way to make me feel better about it!"
"Oh, is that what I'm supposed to be doing?" She smiled gently but I was too wrapped up in the swirls on the wood of the pier.
"What if I can't love again?" I ask, under my breath.
She twists her hair up into a messy bun before answering me, "Ah, the heart of the matter. Pun intended." She smirks.
"What if..." I'm finding it hard to find my words, "What if I move on and someday she comes looking and I'm not standing here anymore?"
Silence is my only reply until I look up to find her looking at me.
"That isn't going to happen, Adrienne."
"Why do you say that? Because you're all knowing?" I ask with as much sarcasm as possible.
"No, because I know that you don't believe it will. Ever." She smiles sadly and I can feel the tears threaten again. I bite my cheek.
"You gave a piece of yourself to her that you will never get back. That piece of you will always and forever be changed. And isn't that how it should be? So you will never love the same, you will never feel the same. But that doesn't mean you will love anyone else less. That doesn't mean you will never feel love or be loved again. It will just be different, as it should be."
I don't answer. For some reason I can't look at her.
"You can live your life waiting. You can wait for her. You can wait for someone else. You can wait for a stranger to notice you. You can wait for your best friend to act on their feelings. You can wait and the love of your life will find you. You can wait and never know love again. Choice is yours Adrienne. But a piece of advice," She pauses and I glare at her a bit accusingly,
"Stop waiting, stop looking, stop harping, stop longing, stop thinking, stop being so afraid. Do that for just a moment. Exist right now, be happy... right now. Let this sit. Write about it, get it out. Do what you have to, to get this out of you, just for right now. You'd be surprised what can happen if you just 'be'." She cocks an eyebrow.
I take a deep breath and look out over the water. I put my arms back and rest all of my weight on the palms of my hands. There is a slight breeze that ruffles my short hair and I know that she's gone.
"I just ran" I breathed.
"That's evident," she said without looking up from the water.
"It's the first time I've ran since my foot surgery."
"I know."
"It's really annoying when you do that." I said, looking at the water myself
"Do What?"
"Act all knowing." I replied.
"I'm not acting" she said and looked at me with a straight face. I met her gaze and we both smiled before breaking out into loud laughter.
"I met with my Chemistry teacher. I sat down and started talking about my test grade and what I could do to improve." I paused and swallowed loudly. "Then I started just crying. I kept biting the inside of my cheek to stop the tears, but it was kind of useless. I was so horrified and embarrassed."
She looked back at the water, "I bet she was embarrassed too. She doesn't even know you."
I sighed loudly, "Way to make me feel better about it!"
"Oh, is that what I'm supposed to be doing?" She smiled gently but I was too wrapped up in the swirls on the wood of the pier.
"What if I can't love again?" I ask, under my breath.
She twists her hair up into a messy bun before answering me, "Ah, the heart of the matter. Pun intended." She smirks.
"What if..." I'm finding it hard to find my words, "What if I move on and someday she comes looking and I'm not standing here anymore?"
Silence is my only reply until I look up to find her looking at me.
"That isn't going to happen, Adrienne."
"Why do you say that? Because you're all knowing?" I ask with as much sarcasm as possible.
"No, because I know that you don't believe it will. Ever." She smiles sadly and I can feel the tears threaten again. I bite my cheek.
"You gave a piece of yourself to her that you will never get back. That piece of you will always and forever be changed. And isn't that how it should be? So you will never love the same, you will never feel the same. But that doesn't mean you will love anyone else less. That doesn't mean you will never feel love or be loved again. It will just be different, as it should be."
I don't answer. For some reason I can't look at her.
"You can live your life waiting. You can wait for her. You can wait for someone else. You can wait for a stranger to notice you. You can wait for your best friend to act on their feelings. You can wait and the love of your life will find you. You can wait and never know love again. Choice is yours Adrienne. But a piece of advice," She pauses and I glare at her a bit accusingly,
"Stop waiting, stop looking, stop harping, stop longing, stop thinking, stop being so afraid. Do that for just a moment. Exist right now, be happy... right now. Let this sit. Write about it, get it out. Do what you have to, to get this out of you, just for right now. You'd be surprised what can happen if you just 'be'." She cocks an eyebrow.
I take a deep breath and look out over the water. I put my arms back and rest all of my weight on the palms of my hands. There is a slight breeze that ruffles my short hair and I know that she's gone.