A Trigger
Everything is going along swimmingly and then a trigger. I either bring it upon myself or it is brought upon me. I think I am very mentally exhausted or I am having a break down. Happened twice today. Earlier a huge wave of sadness and just missing this kid. I wanted to drive there and just give him the biggest hug. I made a fool out of myself, of course. Kind of my thing now a days. Just broke down KNOWING, telling myself how ridiculous I was being.
Just now happened again and instead of getting all crazy about it and saying things I will regret and not being able to say the right things, I need to type. I need to get this out and be able to look back at it and say, "Wow, look at how far I've come. At least I don't do that any more."
A stupid remark about friendship and exes and their friends, just crushed me. I was standing on the shore just fine, admiring the incredible view and got knocked off of my feet by this tidal wave that I didn't even see coming. Now I can't breathe, I don't know which way is up. The pain is unbearable and it just hit me from nowhere. That's the killer. If you could see this coming you could prepare. You wouldn't be taken by surprise. You'd have your shit together and take cover.
What is wrong with me?????????
At least I am not verbalizing anything to anyone. A new strategy for these stupid moments. Immediately start deep breathing. Don't lay down because you get sucked under that way. Put your phone in another room, won't say anything.... Do something right now. Write. Write it all out even if it doesn't make sense. Let the feelings pass over, just like the wave. Let the tears come, in private. You're not going to die. You can still breathe. In and out. I want to self medicate. I want to drink. I want to get in my car and drive and never come back. I want to fly to the stars. I want to feel numb....which is what usually happens right after the intense emotions and anxiety pass. The numbness kicks in. The head starts pounding. You feel like you've just went 10 rounds with Rousey and taken 2 hits of morphine at the same time.
And just like that it's gone. After shocks but those are easily handled. Those feel like what a normal person deals with. In and out.
A little fun-fact about me. Whenever I read collegiate literature, I read with different celebrity voices... Siri, Morgan Freeman, the computer from Resident Evil, William Shatner, etc. I don't think I'd be able to get through it otherwise. Funny I can hear voices but not music...
Back to Geomorphology. Back to....
Just now happened again and instead of getting all crazy about it and saying things I will regret and not being able to say the right things, I need to type. I need to get this out and be able to look back at it and say, "Wow, look at how far I've come. At least I don't do that any more."
A stupid remark about friendship and exes and their friends, just crushed me. I was standing on the shore just fine, admiring the incredible view and got knocked off of my feet by this tidal wave that I didn't even see coming. Now I can't breathe, I don't know which way is up. The pain is unbearable and it just hit me from nowhere. That's the killer. If you could see this coming you could prepare. You wouldn't be taken by surprise. You'd have your shit together and take cover.
What is wrong with me?????????
At least I am not verbalizing anything to anyone. A new strategy for these stupid moments. Immediately start deep breathing. Don't lay down because you get sucked under that way. Put your phone in another room, won't say anything.... Do something right now. Write. Write it all out even if it doesn't make sense. Let the feelings pass over, just like the wave. Let the tears come, in private. You're not going to die. You can still breathe. In and out. I want to self medicate. I want to drink. I want to get in my car and drive and never come back. I want to fly to the stars. I want to feel numb....which is what usually happens right after the intense emotions and anxiety pass. The numbness kicks in. The head starts pounding. You feel like you've just went 10 rounds with Rousey and taken 2 hits of morphine at the same time.
And just like that it's gone. After shocks but those are easily handled. Those feel like what a normal person deals with. In and out.
A little fun-fact about me. Whenever I read collegiate literature, I read with different celebrity voices... Siri, Morgan Freeman, the computer from Resident Evil, William Shatner, etc. I don't think I'd be able to get through it otherwise. Funny I can hear voices but not music...
Back to Geomorphology. Back to....
"Choosing the correct temporal
and spatial scale of investigation, the correct processes that control landscape form at these
scales, and then converting this conceptual model to a mathematical representation of these
process-form interactions is not straightforward." ~ Hutton