Kill or be killed

Today was a little bit rough for me. There are a few main reasons why I 'journal'.

• To write down my thoughts
• To see if I can find 'triggers'
• It's a therapeutic outlet

So I do these things that I shouldn't really do. Let's call them, bad decisions. And maybe if I can keep an accurate account of my feelings and thoughts then I can decipher what leads me to make those bad decisions. 

Today... it was dead time. God did I try to fill the time. I colored two pages. I finished my stats homework. I worked ahead in chemistry as far as note taking goes. (An aside, I got an 88 on my Chemistry test). I would do the obligatory happy dance but I am not celebrating anything early in that class. We watched swordfish, and Jimmy Fallon, and Blood Diamond. I even walked my patrol instead of taking the truck with no air conditioning. I got home and thought I was tired enough for a nap. I wasn't. Still having intestinal issues. Did manage to do a few sit-ups and crunches. I figure it can't hurt. Now here I sit.

The desire to self medicate and just go to sleep is very strong. I have an early day tomorrow and a busy week. New air conditioning is getting installed on Wednesday so we will be vacating the premise for a day or two.

I had a dream a few nights ago that was traumatizing. I had a sickness or something different inside of me. These dogs, rottweilers or some large breed were trained to sniff out this 'sickness' and kill on contact. I was being chased by one through an abandoned neighborhood. I was running really fast and jumping fences like no one's business. I ran into this house that was boarded up and jumped on the kitchen counter. The dog was right behind me. I stuck out my hand to ward it off and it bit a finger off and left another just dangling by the skin. I remember the shock of it. It lunged at me again and I grabbed it's throat with my non-hurt hand. I jumped/fell down and landed on top of it. It wouldn't die and I couldn't let go of it's throat. I just kept squeezing.