New Blog

So this is INCREDIBLY rambly...just had to get some things out!


Life is.... interesting

I feel..... everything

One moment I feel very adult-like. I have responsibilities, a career (even if it's one I don't like). I have bills to pay and I'm budgeting my money. I make wise choices and investments. I help people with their problems and I am a shoulder to cry on. I fix things and I'm in complete control. I know how the world works and I feel comfortable with that.
In between this breath and the next I'm on my ass. Things aren't like that at all. Am I just fooling myself? Is it a coping mechanism for us because we are so programed to think that way? Do we really believe we have to be in control of everything? The world is constantly changing, like the ocean. We are constantly changing.
I have a childlike desire to see and experience everything. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. I want to feel pain, extreme pain along with happiness and complete joy, everything in between. I want to feel! I'm scared sometimes I put my walls up so high and so thick that I will become trapped and I won't be able to really feel anything. I'll just start acting like I do. Will I be able to tell the difference? What if it's something genetic, something hidden inside of me that I can't change?

Bad things happen in life, sure...but that doesn't define you. How you let it effect you is what matters. Your house burns down while you watch, helpless. You take a moment and cry and scream but then you take a deep breath and look at the sky and realize the clouds are so beautiful covering the moon and the frosted air makes your breath come alive and dance for a split second.
The one person you trusted the most in the world and could be yourself around, no walls. The one person you could go to with any troubles and they could fix anything with chocolate milk and hugs. One day their body can no longer stay alive and you cry and you allow yourself to feel completely abandoned. It's human. It's okay to be so angry, so alone, as long as you don't hold onto it. I dream of her. I talk to her. I remember her.
Just because bad people have been in your life and you have seen loved ones get hurt because of that...does not mean you should be so distrusting of everyone. Maybe more cautious though. I think it's also okay to never allow that person to be in your life.
When someone you love very much keeps getting farther and farther away and there is nothing you can say or do to change that...it's okay to be angry with them. It doesn't mean you love them any less.
When people leave you before even getting to know you...it's okay to be resentful. It's okay to want to never talk to them (let them see how it feels). But eventually realize that people are people and have their own roads to travel. What someone did years and years ago doesn't define who they are. Grudges aren't healthy.
I would never go back and change anything that happened in my life...because everything has made me who I am today. I am grateful for everything. Tragedies affect us just as much or more than strolling through life. I don't want to just get by...I want to experience and live life to the fullest I possibly can.


I believe:
o Arguments are senseless, life is too short to argue.
o Feelings should be expressed
o Disagreements should be allowed but not held against anyone
o Opinions should be given and taken but not always taken to heart
o Human contact and physical touch is necessary
o Every day is so incredibly exciting
o You should be grateful for the people in your life
o When your path crosses with someone it is amazing to walk with them...even if it doesn't last
o Conflicted hearts.....hurt
o It's okay to cry
o When you fall...make sure someone sees you so they can share in your laughter
o If you make someone smile you've accomplished something great
o If you make someone laugh...even better!
o Sometimes feelings can be so intense and confusing you just have to fling your head and arms back and be silent
o Always make sure you tell someone you love them (in any capacity).
o Never leave questions unanswered
o Always be honest, about everything (still working on this one)
o When you are holding someone up on a bike, you eventually have to let them go to show them that they can do it by themselves....just hope that you are lucky enough to run alongside them.
o Listening to someone being incredibly loud in the mornings can be extremely endearing (it's all in your perspective)
o I have bed head and just need to accept that (ROCK IT)