Nervous Nineteen
I am completely running on autopilot. My body is beyond exhausted, my patience is tried, I think I'm shutting down parts of my myself just so I can survive this transition. Lack of focus.
I remember showering this morning at 2:15 and eating a pop-tart on the way to work. It was strawberry. I swept at the airport and entertained myself by thinking that I am just an overpaid cleaning crew with a sucky uniform. I also disappeared into my music. My supervisors are still giving me the run around. I walked past an office. The guy was playing a slot machine game on his phone. I put my earbud in and took a deep breath. A and I wrestled in the hallway and was told to stop horsing around. We then made horse noises for the next half hour. I ate a bagel because I didn't feel like leftovers. I made a game of avoiding certain coworkers but one of them followed me into the hall. I put my music in my ear before turning around. I'm not sure what she said but my nodding seemed to suffice. The conversation lasted 2 minutes before I begged to go pee. I pee a lot.
I came home and napped for 1 hour before rousing to start packing and moving and unpacking and unloading and loading and locking and opening and shutting. Did you see the lights? Do you see the for sale sign? What was that noise? Why are people letting off fireworks now?
I have to go in early again tomorrow. I need to sleep. I need to unload the car first. I have a slug on my pants! Don't step on the frog, lock the doors. Shower. It's all kind of a haze.
Empty chairs. I'm not grateful for them. I'm grateful for the shadows though. Beautiful, physical manifestations of memories. Gone in an instant. They can be deep and shallow at the same time. Like Peter Pan, we all need shadows.
That moment when your entire conversation with someone that you cared so deeply for and thought the feeling was mutual lasts no longer than 10 words. Tragic... I don't understand.
It's all kind of a haze. Fleeting and like a shadow, I hope that one day the light will chase them away. The sad thoughts. They are fewer but still around. It's all kind of a haze.
I remember showering this morning at 2:15 and eating a pop-tart on the way to work. It was strawberry. I swept at the airport and entertained myself by thinking that I am just an overpaid cleaning crew with a sucky uniform. I also disappeared into my music. My supervisors are still giving me the run around. I walked past an office. The guy was playing a slot machine game on his phone. I put my earbud in and took a deep breath. A and I wrestled in the hallway and was told to stop horsing around. We then made horse noises for the next half hour. I ate a bagel because I didn't feel like leftovers. I made a game of avoiding certain coworkers but one of them followed me into the hall. I put my music in my ear before turning around. I'm not sure what she said but my nodding seemed to suffice. The conversation lasted 2 minutes before I begged to go pee. I pee a lot.
I came home and napped for 1 hour before rousing to start packing and moving and unpacking and unloading and loading and locking and opening and shutting. Did you see the lights? Do you see the for sale sign? What was that noise? Why are people letting off fireworks now?
I have to go in early again tomorrow. I need to sleep. I need to unload the car first. I have a slug on my pants! Don't step on the frog, lock the doors. Shower. It's all kind of a haze.
Empty chairs. I'm not grateful for them. I'm grateful for the shadows though. Beautiful, physical manifestations of memories. Gone in an instant. They can be deep and shallow at the same time. Like Peter Pan, we all need shadows.
That moment when your entire conversation with someone that you cared so deeply for and thought the feeling was mutual lasts no longer than 10 words. Tragic... I don't understand.
It's all kind of a haze. Fleeting and like a shadow, I hope that one day the light will chase them away. The sad thoughts. They are fewer but still around. It's all kind of a haze.