Sucky Seventeen
Today was not a great day. It was a hard day. A very rough day to get through. It took effort, a lot of it. A lot of starting, stopping, backing up, starting over, forgiveness, deep breathing, and patience. It was a hard day.
I woke up emotional. It's Christmas and here I am getting up at 2:30 in the morning to go to work. I want to be sleeping next to someone that I am in love with. I would love to have been waking up at 2:30 in the morning to put christmas presents under the tree from santa. I would love to have woken up and just wished someone Merry Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I have a job and all of the bullshit that goes with it. But today... I just wish things were different and it was hard to stay on that track with asshole passengers, asshole supervisors, asshole coworkers, uncooperative family members and guys who don't get your sister christmas gifts and makes her feel like crap and moms who are stressed because they are changing their whole lives too.
So I focused on the boys. I made it all about them and not about me, my family, my sister crying, my mothers stress, my exhaustion and work issues, none of that.... We explored my back yard, we played with play doh, swung upside down, took pictures and built toys. Now I am in bed and the feelings creep back in. I'm proud of myself for reaching out and being a decent human being. I've conducted myself very well and I am proud of that. There is literally nothing else that I can do to be a better person. Tell my heart, cause it hasn't caught on yet. I don't know what my problem is.
I woke up emotional. It's Christmas and here I am getting up at 2:30 in the morning to go to work. I want to be sleeping next to someone that I am in love with. I would love to have been waking up at 2:30 in the morning to put christmas presents under the tree from santa. I would love to have woken up and just wished someone Merry Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I have a job and all of the bullshit that goes with it. But today... I just wish things were different and it was hard to stay on that track with asshole passengers, asshole supervisors, asshole coworkers, uncooperative family members and guys who don't get your sister christmas gifts and makes her feel like crap and moms who are stressed because they are changing their whole lives too.
So I focused on the boys. I made it all about them and not about me, my family, my sister crying, my mothers stress, my exhaustion and work issues, none of that.... We explored my back yard, we played with play doh, swung upside down, took pictures and built toys. Now I am in bed and the feelings creep back in. I'm proud of myself for reaching out and being a decent human being. I've conducted myself very well and I am proud of that. There is literally nothing else that I can do to be a better person. Tell my heart, cause it hasn't caught on yet. I don't know what my problem is.
I liked the fog today. I just wish it were possible to wrap myself up in it.