A long one

This is who I am grateful for today. Unconditional love. She is getting up there in years and still acts like a puppy, still acts like a princess, still acts scared shitless, and still acts badass.

This is where you should stop reading if you don't want to get into the 'feely' stuff. 

So I've thought a lot about this entry. I actually asked permission if I could write a letter and I was asked not to. I will respect that, so this is not a letter. This is me wanting to go into the new year a better person. I have found myself in a place that I never thought that I would have found myself after these past.. '5 ish' years. Single and not in a relationship.

I've spent a lot of time the last couple of months feeling very overwhelmed and just sad. This person that I saw myself spending the rest of my life with just said "no more" and it was so simple and so easy for them. To just stop talking. To stop enjoying each other's company. To stop being together. I think that was the part that hurt the most because I couldn't understand it. I couldn't feel it. Because I was feeling dumbfounded and lost. Rudderless in a storm. Did it invalidate everything that had ever gone on in the past 5ish years? The secrets, the plans, the fears, the love? This was someone I talked to EVERY. DAY. I remember a conversation, actually all of them, but this one keeps replaying.. "You never gave me all of you." Do you know how I know that is so far from the truth? Because I literally had nothing when it was over. I had no part of anything to hold onto. I had put all of me into it.

I reduced myself to a pretty pathetic person. I found myself begging for any kind of relationship. Can we be friends? I will wish you well on your job, I will ask you to be safe in bad weather, I will ask about the kids that I love so much, I will volunteer to take them to practice because I know you are a single mom, I will offer my spare bedroom because I know you hate being alone, and I know how hard it can be. I watched my own mother go through it.  And it will be okay that you don't have time. It will be okay that you don't want to be in my presence. It will be okay that you don't answer questions or calls or texts. It will be okay that you tell me you don't have time yet you have time for brunches and parties and trips and pictures and new friends.  Except that it really wasn't. I felt small. Worthless.

But I know that that is no fault of hers. That is MY responsibility and feelings to shoulder. I know that I shoulder a majority of the blame for being 'too much', asking for too much attention and wanting to talk about deep things. Never being satisfied because I knew that things could be better. I knew we could get out of the rut that we were in together. Holding hands and being triumphant. 

So this is a metaphorical letting go because I already used the words 'this is where I let go'.

This is a forgiveness of her and of me. I know that she will never forgive me for lying to her about going to see my father and deciding to see another person as well. I know that she will NEVER trust me. Just like I will never feel worthy of her, of her time, of her attention. I will NEVER be that person for her. 

And that is okay.

It's okay because it has to be. 

I will go into this new year with forgiveness in my heart. I will be happy for the new challenges and changes that actually start tomorrow. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not naive enough to think this is a switch that I am flipping. I know that I will still have nights where I just cry. I will have mornings where I notice the clock and still say "good morning", I know I will type texts and erase them, I know I will secretly hope when my phone makes a notification noise. I know I will still look back and wish... 

But now I want to look back and just be grateful for the time spent. I want to always say a prayer for those that I care about. I will remember the good and not focus on the selfish thought of 'why wasn't I enough'? I will be happy for them and for me. I am not going to take this with me into the new year year. I will not.